in thinking about my future…

“…you fall in love with people’s minds.” Hugo Guiler to Anaïs Nin

I’m pretty sure I truly need a challenge, something to wake me up creativity and intellectually. Something to be excited about! Something to wrap your brain around in the morning when the alarm goes off or those moments before drifting off to sleep. Why be bored with boring surroundings, people, the same boring routine?! I’d rather be dead or sleeping or daydreaming! I need stimuli, like the brain needs it and causes dreaming. I start to daydream when un-stimulated, I’m a creative, intellectual person – I just need that stimulation, because without it I don’t understand the point of breathing.

While in college, I feel, looking back, that I was full of life,hope. Upon graduating into the horrors of our failing economy, I fell…I was bored. My art didn’t sell like I hoped, many of my paintings collecting dust in the basement, under my bed, ect. I had to start holding myself back so as to not create so much – what an idiot! I feel into this routine, my hope dashed, the life sucked out of me. This year, its back, back with a vengeance, I don’t know what woke me up to it. It wasn’t just meeting my girlfriend, she helped wake me up I must admit…. but other factors as well, maybe it was casting off the old doubts? just saying to myself: you know what? who cares if I paint a million paintings this month that don’t sell. Life isn’t always that great, and holding one’s self back on purpose is just plain dumb and a suicide of sorts.

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