I’m sure every artist looks at their work and thinks: “ugh! this is crap!” even when those around them commend their efforts/talent. I usually love my work until I seen it next to someone else’s’. the almighty comparison! I used to worry that it looked too different from all the ‘real’ artists. Maybe they’d find out I was a fraud. The first time I exhibited out of college, at some group show in Newport. I went to the opening, seen what everyone else was doing and wanted to take my painting off the wall and run away!I didn’t, but I hated my work hanging in the same exhibit as those ‘real’ artists. What a humbling thing. For some stupid reason I kept it up all these years, the love/passion of it might be it.
I was digging through my canvases a few months back and came across one of my more graffiti/child art type works. I can’t recall what the hell I entitled the piece. I hung it on my wall as inspiration and Hey! its not crap after all! I used to have fun doing that shit. I painted it as angrily/manic as they look. Why I’ve never returned to doing that I don’t know – I think it was because I felt like doing a different style for my erotic art, it got some recognition and I kept up the style. Of course I used to change the style in which I worked as much as I change my clothing style. However, I feel like I’ve been holding myself back. weird. Perhaps my sudden feelings about my art is because I’ve started getting back into photography again, – its kind of my job now. And back in the day, I used to do photography that I never exhibited but used in my graphic design… hence enhancing my abilities as an artist, working in literally three different mediums simultaneously. And now I’m working in three different mediums – and I’m seeing things differently again? I should do what I feel like, its not like I’m Picasso and people will throw a fit if I work differently than they expect. maybe they’ll throw a fit because they like it so much?
Honestly, would I turn down a major exhibit, stipends, grants and the like? no. I’ve thought about it time and again. no. I know money is not a means to an end, its not happiness and it causes (on occasion) more trouble than its worth. sometimes I think I’d just like that major exhibit, the recognition and the like. It’d be a change of pace. I’m not working to hide it under my bed or in a closet (where some of my paintings really are). I know in my heart, I didn’t go to school for art/design to have my paintings hang on my own bedroom walls. I dreamt/dream bigger than that.