$75 b.s.

Rather than sleeping (like many college students), I spent my morning on hold with unemployment refiling my partial unemployment claim. I had to refile my claim which is just a long ass, bureaucratic process. The whole fucking thing is bureaucratic! Well, kids I’m here to say the extra money ride is dry. I’m eligible for a whopping $75 a week! I work three jobs so it’s safe to say I just wasted their time and mine. Exactly how does the federal government, and every other person running the show expect me to live on less than $200 a week (which is what I make with three jobs if I’m lucky). It is total bullshit. What am I supposed to do, drop out of my master’s program and get a fourth job flipping burgers rather than doing something that will actually pay me a living with skills I could use to get said decent job?!

I’m college educated, but it doesn’t seem to be enough. I work three jobs but that isn’t enough either. Here’s my “American Dream” going down the toilet. I guess I’ll try to at least finish out the semester if I don’t go broke by then.

I’d like to thank the United States government,  I hope you end up on unemployment and have to know what it is like to live on less than $200 a week. I think that should be mandatory for anyone entering into politics, that you have to live on less than $200 a week for a year then you can run for any office you please. No fancy cars, suits, haircuts, dinner or vacations. I can tell you, it fucking sucks. Don’t think about dating or a social life because your not going to have one. Get ready to learn about the art of masturbation, because you aren’t going to be getting any either. Don’t hope for a better future for yourself that may come sometime in the next 10-15 years because it probably isn’t there when it seems the government and the universe are against you.

I mean isn’t it enough that your stupid fucking laws separated me from the person I loved, who just they happened to have been born in a different country?!  Because even with that extra $50-70 a week that partial unemployment provided me, I could jump on a plane and leave the country even for a visit.

I had hope, a small bit of it when I entered into my master’s program and hence got two students jobs out of it. Now who knows… it’s all ruined, just like this country’s economy.

Simplicity and insanity.

I am truly glad to be doing something proactive for my future by going to graduate school, but I really really missed painting! There are aspects of my current program that are disappointing, one, no graduate level studio art classes – am I not a future art educator?  So I feel a little, meh about it. I have to put up with the not so great parts to get to the part that will end up being a benefit. Besides there are far too many other things I could bitch and moan about that are far worse than not taking a graduate level studio art class.

I wrote the following several months ago. I’ve been editing it. I think it sums up some of my frustrations:

Finding Balance.

Simplicity is waking up on your day off and realizing you have nowhere to be and no one to please. It’s taking a walk in the woods and truly enjoying the fresh air, the surroundings and letting everything else, all your worries fall away. It’s ease. It’s mindful. It’s harder than it sounds. We live in a “fast-paced” world. Everything is at your fingertips, fast, and everything is so important. It needs to be done now, not moments from now. Everyone is so ambitious.

I’m ambitious. I want to be self-sufficient. I wish to complete my master’s degree. However, it seems the more I try to help myself the more complicated and stressful things suddenly become. Instead of being like typical college students who possibly have one part time position, I have two. And I still need to rely on unemployment to get by— I would die a happy woman to never have to deal with the people at unemployment ever again . It’s all so complicated and bureaucratic! Just to file unemployment is a stressful project. I have to prove to them that my schooling is helping me improve. I have to tell them what classes I’m taking and when. There’s paper work to fill out and phone interviews with people from unemployment — and I still need to do homework!

I wish there were a solution. I just want to breathe. I want to absorb my schooling, which I’ve worked so hard to get to. I want to enjoy life, simply. I want to be able to follow my heart. Wouldn’t it be nice if we really could do whatever we wanted? That it wasn’t just a nice sentiment reserved for the lucky, elite few who have the means and opportunities to simplify their lives and follow their hearts? Everyone should be so lucky.

waste not, want not.

This piece kind of speaks for itself. I am personally amused by my creative use of unemployment forms that the Rhode Island Department of Labor and Training keeps sending me, every time I have to refile. Refiling is just dumb and wasteful of your time and clearly of trees. If your completely unemployed, and then one week you work part-time you have to refile because now your partially unemployed. Then if you are partially unemployed and then suddenly are totally unemployed, guess what? Your refiling baby! You have to call and sit on hold for an hour or more. Or you can refile online and wait like three weeks to have forms sent to you, that you fill out and send back, and don’t think about pay any bills because your broke until they decide to pay you, three weeks after you refile.

I think when I do return to full-time work, I’ll just send them this art piece…

It’s taken me a few weeks to get this one scanned in because, I just haven’t felt like doing it… just like framing, scanning is so damn tedious. I want to be rich and famous one day so I can hire people to do the boring stuff I don’t feel like doing!

“painful to remember like today…”

The above quote is from Throwing Muses. It’s a Throwing Muses In a Doghouse kind of day. I’ve been under a considerable amount of stress despite being on “vacation” from school. I have to drop a class, no thanks to unemployment who sent me a letter today stating that I didn’t make enough money to “qualify” for any sort of unemployment benefits. Gee, thanks can I have another? As if it’s my fault my job was washed away in a flood that kept myself and hundreds of others on unemployment for almost nine months. As if it’s my fault my previous, second part-time position went bankrupt and just closed its doors one morning and put thousands of people out of work. As if it’s my fault there are no full-time, part-time, once a week, any fucking jobs.. no jobs to be had. When a job opens, you are up against a zillion people.

I have three part-time jobs… count ‘em: three. I had two last week, just picked me up a third, which is going to come in handy as soon as I start in a week or so from now. Of course I won’t be paid for the past two weeks I sat on unemployment.  Maybe, if I’m lucky, I can pay my bills by balancing three part-time jobs and school. I wasn’t planning on staying on unemployment. I had hoped against hope.

To add insult to injury. Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Rhode Island wants to raise my rates, from a bill I’m not sure I can pay this month to one I know I can’t pay. And I received two medical bills this week that I have to go beg at the hospital to get a discount for.

Seriously, can I get a break now? A wealthy patron?  A free-ride fellowship? Something?

This piece is called “thanks for keeping me/us down.” I made it with my rejection letter that I probably should’ve photocopied, for other purposes, before tearing to shreds and making a collage out of it. I dedicate this piece to all the folks who work at unemployment. I think in order to work there, one should have to live for three weeks on it so that they can truly appreciate how one’s self-esteem and dignity is affected by being on unemployment.

Happy Wednesday.

The end of my month-long project is almost upon us. I may extend it a day or two if I’m feeling ambitious. I’m starting to think ambition isn’t all its cracked up to be. I’m very ambitious to get off unemployment and be self-sufficient. However, it seems the more I try to help myself the more complicated and stressful things suddenly become. I don’t wish to be unemployed or have to deal with unemployment another day — I would die a happy woman to never have to deal with them ever again . However, it’s all so complicated! There are just so many hoop and hoopla.. its tiring. I just wish things could be simpler. I wish there were a simple, uncomplicated solution to my problems and then everything is wonderful.

Isn’t that the key to all things happy and mindful? Simplicity? Simplicity and the ability to follow one’s heart. Wouldn’t it be nice if we really could do whatever we wanted? And it wasn’t just a nice sentiment reserved for the lucky, elite few who have the means and opportunities?

GRRR

I’m feeling like I need to quote the character, Hanna, from Pretty Little Liars (the book by Sara Shepard, not the TV show): “I am Hanna and I am fabulous.” She would remind herself of this when feeling down… so here goes “I am Melanie and I am fabulous.” I may need to repeat it a few more times while filling out my forms to send to my health insurance, to continue getting a discount,  or when unemployment calls me to give me an “interview” to determine I’m still “eligible” for partial unemployment. Or when I possibly drop my painting class so I can continue going to school due to the above circumstances. I have almost a full scholarship, but nothing to help with living expenses! Its been a not-so-fabulous week.

“I am Melanie… and I am fabulous…”

Here is cat-grrl and she is also fabulous because cats are strong, and independent… and sometimes cute and cuddly.

yesterday and today’s..

Yesterday’s drawing was the last of the beautiful handmade paper… now its back to boring old white paper.

I was feeling very low energy when I did this.

Speaking of white paper… I had to buy this overly priced, hardcover sketch book for one of my classes last semester. And like many art classes, they give you a list of crap to buy that you use once or never. Why do professors do that?! If I had a professor’s salary maybe I wouldn’t give it a second thought. I was (and still am) on partial unemployment when I had to buy this. Hardcover sketch books are so not cheap, this one was a “steal” at $9 at Utrecht. However, the paper inside is smooth — it sucks with graphite, crayon and possibly every other material. Its like drawing on copy paper.

Yes that is a flower on her face in case you were wondering… and yes the figure in the second drawing has pins in her thigh. I get muscle spasms in my lower back which causes my back and hip to hurt — I imagine sticking pins in my legs would nicer than muscle spasms.

Working poor.

The United States has the highest rate of poverty and the widest gap between the haves and the have-nots compared with 17 developed nations. Developed as in not third world.

I wonder if, like other possibly more superior nations, that there could be a system to get people off unemployment and out of poverty. There just seems to be a cycle that one finds hard to break free of. Sure you can get another job but you’re already behind on bills when you get the job. Or maybe it doesn’t pay much at all and you work just to pay some bills but not all of them.  Wouldn’t it be nice if we could close the gap between the haves and the have-nots? Of course people would actually feel good about themselves, get good jobs, not spend hours on the phone, on hold, with unemployment, they’d pay their bills, and they might get out of the crap cycle of poverty that put them there! I have heard that its worse in a developed nation to be poor, because not only do you feel the debilitating effects of not being able to help yourself, but people think you’re a bum, even in this economy.

I have three jobs, in theory. I don’t work every day and one job was underwater, literally, it’s being renovated. I am a full-time graduate student, studying to be an art teacher. I just reapplied to unemployment for some sort of extended benefits. That’s right, three jobs and still on unemployment. I’m also considered to be living below the federal poverty line for a single person. I’m thankful I don’t have a family to worry about.  I’m thankful to have a job. Though I do wonder how I am to pay my bills plus better myself. There is help for students to pay their tuition, and books but not any sort of help to help yourself: pay rent, bills, for food, gas for your car to drive to work or school. One is supposed to be able to “help themselves” through unemployment— in theory. In reality, you only get a percentage of what you previously made at your last job or, if on partial unemployment, your current job.

It feels like an endless cycle. Because one feels so dehumanized by being on unemployment and because unemployment dictates that you take any job offered to you.  You spend hours, months and possibly a year or more applying to every possible employment opportunity. The interviews are few and far between and the whole thing feels like a complete waste of effort. Finally one is able to take the almighty, “any” job and that one may not pay what you used to make, it most likely pays less and its probably minimum wage. And how is one to rise above their situation when they’ve probably been unemployed for 6 months to a year, are in debt and now only making minimum wage? How do you bounce back?

Are you down with your right brain?

The fun, rewarding part of partial unemployment is free time. But free time can also be your worst enemy: you have nowhere to go everyday and no money (esp. when you can’t get paid because the unemployment payment system has been down for two fucking days). Of course, free time does enable you to go to classes. Unfortunately, classes cost money and you still need to look for a job (Good luck with that, by the way. I’ve been looking since January. I’ve only managed to score a part time one).

I still enrolled in classes regardless. I threw caution, and perhaps common sense, to the wind. How will I pay bills while doing this? I’m crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. Against what many would consider common sense, I’m taking graduate classes in art education. The book I have to read for introduction to art education is going to tell me all about how great having a creative mind is and how it’s going to change the future of the world. It’s  A Whole New Mind: How Right-Brainers Will Rule the Future by Daniel Pink. I have to admit the title alone made me roll my eyes.  I was thinking this book was in the same realm of the ridiculous “get in touch with your right side of the brain” drawing technique a professor tried to force-feed us undergrads at CCRI. She kept harping on a book that taught how to draw using the right side of your brain. The book also claims that anyone can learn to draw—I’m sure there are plenty of working artists who feel relieved at this news. I refuse to read the book till this day and cringe at the mention of it. Honestly, I believe some people are good at some things and others are not. It’s just a fact of life. (A math teacher can harp all day to me about math, it doesn’t mean I’m going to excel at it, ever.) If we were all good at the same things, life would be boring. It doesn’t mean that some skills are more important than others.

However, A Whole New Mind is actually interesting. Pink brings up some valid points. (And since my professor made us write a book report, I am going to exercise my—gasp— creativity and talk about it in a manner I couldn’t have done in a homework assignment, creative curses and all!) He refers to two different ways of thinking: L-Directed thinking, which is literal, analytical, and logical (exemplified in people with MBA’s, lawyers, and accountants); and R-Directed thinking, which is emotional, intuitive, and nonlinear (exemplified in artsy-fartsy types). Until now, society has embraced L-Directed thinking and frowned upon R-Directed thinking. For instance, people used to ask me, after hearing that my major was graphic design, what I was going to do after graduating. I typically refrained from a sarcastic answer: “Live in a cardboard box in Central Park, like Jean-Michel Basquiat!” However, using just L-Directed thinking is no longer enough in the job market, you have to combine that with R-Directed thinking. This is good news to those in creative fields.

Daniel Pink, explains why L-Directed thinking is becoming less important due to abundance, Asia and automation. The abundance of material goods has caused the middle class to desire things—from children’s clothing to toilet brushes—that are not only functional, but also well-designed and beautiful.  Wouldn’t it be nice to go on a Target or Kohls shopping spree and buy all that crap you don’t need? But, is all that stuff going to make you happy? As Pink insinuates, no, it won’t. Look at the surge of interest in yoga, meditation, and spirituality. People are looking for something other than the crap they consume for fulfillment. Yet, oddly enough, they keep consuming it.  Here’s a scary fact for you from page 53: When we can’t store our many things, we just throw them away. Polly Labarre notes, “The United States spends more on trash bags than ninety other countries spend on everything. In other words, the receptacles of our waste cost more than all of the goods consumed by nearly half of the world’s nations.” Besides abundance, another cause Pink talks of is Asia. The job market is changing, and many jobs are moving to countries where people can live on less money. These foreign workers are just as knowledgeable as US workers but the standard of living in their countries isn’t as high as in the US and they get paid far less: an accountant in the Philippines makes approximately the same amount of money that I do with my part time job and unemployment checks and lives far better than I do! The average income in the Philippines is about $500 a month. I’m thinking I’d be a fucking millionaire if I lived there. The final cause is automation. Robots and computers are now doing jobs that people used to do. Enough said.

I’m not exactly sure if reading this book makes me want to laugh, cry, or rejoice. The author makes all these grand statements about how an MFA is now the new MBA. How companies are now sending recruiters to art schools across the country to hire creative people to work for them. This sounds amazing! It sounds like everything a partially unemployed artist wants to hear. But the book was published in 2004—it was published four years after I graduated with an almighty degree in fine arts. Every art related job I’ve had has laid me off, except for my volunteer position at Gallery X. I have been on and off unemployment for ten years! I could think I’m a shitty worker, if not for the dozens of other unemployed or underemployed artists.  Maybe we artists haven’t looked in the right places? Maybe we’ve had shit for luck in the job market? I can’t decide.

edited by AC Martínez

fun with dirt!

Being on unemployment has that one perk, a tuition waiver, at your choice of Rhode Island College, The University of Rhode Island or The Community College of Rhode Island. There’s only one catch, you have to pay any additional fees, only the tuition is covered. If you have the money to pay ridiculous fees—recreation fees, computer lab fees (when you took ceramics), the use of the art room fees, library use fees, and who knows, probably the use of public restroom fees—then your good. I paid for my fees ($132. No kidding) with my gallery sales from two different shows. Luckily I took ceramics and not a class that required a book.

My first project: a dwelling. I decided mine is possibly a replica of some ancient tribal dwelling:

The next two really didn’t come out all that great, I’m a bit disappointed in myself… so I didn’t bother to photograph them. But the third project was a vessel for the soul, I had fun with this one:

The images were photographed with my cellphone camera as I forgot my real camera at home. Also, I haven’t fired them, they are crazy thick and heavy and have taken forever in this heat for the clay to fully dry.