knock-kneed and tongue tied.

My girlfriend lent me the book “Exhibitionism for the Shy” by Carol Queen. I’ve decided to document my findings. My girlfriend did demand a ‘book report…’

I started the chapter we’ve all been waiting for (or at least I have): talking dirty. There’s half a dozen exercises and advice from the dirty-potty-mouth experts. I guess the moral of the chapter (if there is one) is that there is just no tried and true way, but many fun ways to get over that tongue-tied feeling…

I am proud to say that I can at least do the first exercise, which is to say dirty words, not necessarily in context. Just to say them in general. I guess some people have a hard time being a potty mouth, but not me! I’m pretty sure I’ve used at least one of the following words just this afternoon: fuck, pussy, cock, dick, cunt. But I digress, the exercise was to say words like ‘fuck’ or ‘pussy’ or whatnot, while your by yourself like driving down the street or when your home alone doing chores. After reading this all I could imagine was some suburban housewife chanting the words ‘fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck’ while washing the dishes or doing laundry. I may try it the next time I am doing chores, just to liven things up a bit.

Once your used to saying dirty little four letter words, try them when your masturbating. According to the book, you can talk a blue streak or just say phrases, since no one is going to hear you anyhow. The book also suggests taping yourself talking just to get used to hearing those words coming from your mouth. Since my home is like grand-central station talking while masturbating at home, is something I would have to do with the door locked and the stereo blasting and I may still be interrupted seven times. Maybe I should move to a cabin in the woods just to do this exercise.

Of course coming up with sexy things may be your issue… the book has a solution for that as well, porn! With porn you may need to watch a lot of it to find ones that have more dialogue than, “suck my cock, bitch” unless this sort of talk turns you on. Others may need to dig deeper for what they find erotic.. so have yourself a porn-fest to find what kind of dirty talk gets you hot and bothered! Another great place for inspiration is erotica… making up your own or reading someone else’s. The book seems to think pretty highly of erotica and sharing fantasies and/or dirty stories with your partner. It goes back to the on-going theme of sex being adult play. You can even leave dirty little notes to your partner or write stories to be read later or just some improv stories while your in bed together. Being a literary geek, who happens to be pretty good with the written word, this is something I may actually be able to do! It seems far less intimidating. And hey, while your either reading or making up dirty stories/fantasies with your partner, wouldn’t you know it, your talking dirty! Good job!

For the reticent, the book suggests to talk about sex in general with your partner and/or with friends. I presume just talking about sex will get you over your utter fear/stage fright of sounding foolish when talking dirty. Well here I am, talking about sex so I guess I at least passed that test. The next step after getting over the talking-about-sex-hump (no pun intended) is to include the dirty four letter words while talking about sex.

“Exhibitionism for the shy” is encouraging of erotic talk because communication in any relationship is key, especially when it comes to sex. It suggests that talking dirty may give one a boost in self-esteem and maybe, make sex that much better. Once you can communicate what you like, your partner will know what buttons to push or not, so to speak. Not to mention, when both of you talk to each other, you’ll know what makes your partner hot and bothered as well. It works both ways. However, when making suggestions in the bedroom remember to use positive statements. No one wants to be told: “Your not going to fuck me until you put on a condom.” What a mood killer. There is a more, positive, eh, sexier way to state what you want, the book suggest something like “Let me get a rubber on that hot cock of yours..” (pg.77) Keep that in mind.

“When you learn to give voice to your erotic feelings, desires, fantasies, you may find that your shyness melts away – but in any event, your sex life will be richer and better.” (p. 90)

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some dirty stories to conjure up…

Shake it, Work it, Dress it up!

My girlfriend lent me the book “Exhibitionism for the Shy” by Carol Queen. I’ve decided to document my findings. My girlfriend did demand a ‘book report…’

Today’s dirty blog is about learning to show off. The book does point out that one can be an exhibitionist without ever “conquering the fear of appealing to strangers.” (p.46) I really enjoy how this book is about making exhibitionism and voyeurism into your own expression, kind of like in yoga class when the instructor states to do your own expression of the pose at hand. The chapters now include, exercises and lots of them! The first exercise includes something near and dear to my heart, dancing! Carol Queen talks with Margaret Cho who is allegedly doing burlesque and belly dancing now. Margaret Cho claims that dancing is very exhibitionist behavior because a dancer’s moves reveals, what’s on the inside. You can’t hide while dancing, not to mention, everyone is looking at you up there on stage under those spotlights. I never stopped and thought about it, but yes I suppose it is exhibitionistic. Whether or not your taking your clothes off while doing it, dancing is hot. That said, the exercise is to dance for yourself. Dancing is about feeling the music, moving with it, maybe moving your hips and pelvis if that strikes your fancy. Because your by yourself, one need not worry about being judged about their dancing abilities. And once you’ve warmed up to the idea of dancing by yourself, the book suggests stepping it up a bit: dance in front of a mirror. Being a former dancer, this is a simple exercise. From years of seeing myself move in front of a mirror, I can envision myself in pretty much every conceivable position. Its almost weird to do things like practice yoga without a mirror, because I’m so used to seeing myself move in front of one. Though I know not everyone has had that opportunity to tune into their body or to see their body move. I imagine its a bit of a scary thought. The important point is to banish the negative self-talk when watching yourself move, you are doing this for you, not anyone else. To quote the book “Zen and the Art of Happiness,” this is for your benefit.

“Sex is adult play, and one of the biggest detriments of shyness is that it so often short-circuits our playful feelings.” (p.49)

The next exercise is self pleasure! Now here comes the part where I list more fun facts about masturbation… some of the benefits include: heightened self-esteem, feeling more alive and powerful, sexual satisfaction, orgasms, not to mention you know what you like, what feels good to you, and can later share it with a partner. Like the dancing exercise, this is a one on one exercise. No need to judge. Make yourself feel special, seduce yourself, this is about you and your pleasure. Maybe to set the mood you can light some candles, take a nice bubble bath, play some music. Or maybe you need more than candles to get in the mood, the book suggests an erotic book, movie and/or getting out those ole sex toys. Remember, this is what turns you on and/or motivates you to get it on. The book later suggests that maybe your next step after self pleasure, if your comfortable, is to try it with a lover watching.

The final exercise in this chapter is another one near and dear to my heart, dressing up. Who didn’t love playing dress-up as a child?! I still like to do it for my self portraits… I’m unabashed to admit, I love clothes! This chapter however, is about erotic costuming. But again, this is ‘costuming’ that makes you feel sexy. This could be sexy lingerie under your clothes, or some peep-toe stiletto heels with your everyday wear. Erotic dress depends on where you plan on wearing it, sexy lingerie is clearly not street wear unless your attending a sex party in which case then anything goes, so I’ve heard from someone who was a bouncer for one. Regardless of where your going or who is going to see or not see it, it needs to be comfortable to you. If sexy lingerie or stilettos are uncomfortable, don’t wear them. Maybe you feel sexy in long, flowing clothing – go with it! Or if your female and wearing men’s clothing is what makes you feel like a hottie, or vice versa, go with it! There is no rules as to what constitutes ‘erotic’ dress because there is something for everyone.

Looking ahead, I discover that talking dirty is the next chapter to conquer…. I can write dirty things, but having them actually emerge from my mouth, not in jest, that’s a whole other thing. That may take some practice…

On being a voyeur…

My girlfriend lent me the book “Exhibitionism for the Shy” by Carol Queen. I’ve decided to document my findings. My girlfriend did demand a ‘book report…’

First, a lesson that isn’t listed in the book: read this when there are not numerous distractions—maybe at 2am when no one will call you or pop in while your reading a book that has the words “Exhibitionism for the shy” boldly written across the cover. For a book for shy people its cover is less than that. Perhaps just get a book cover and say your reading Charles Dickens, no one will ask any further questions if the answer is that your reading Dickens.

That said, on to the actual lesson in the book: Looking. The book suggests just watching how people dress and carry themselves. Easy enough right. By looking at how others dress and carry themselves you can judge for yourself what you do and do not find sexy and appealing about what you see. Allegedly, “exhibitionistic” modes of dress include: tight clothing, bright colors and/or patterns, unusual materials like leather, metallic or fur, and clothing that shows a lot of skin whether skimpy or sheer. So basically walk into any mall and you will see this because most of this is currently in style. The thing is, do the people you see wearing these clothes look comfortable and confident in them? The book states one should never wear something that makes them uncomfortable – I concur with this wholeheartedly. A person who is comfortable and confident in what they are wearing can in turn be sexy… look a models walking down a runway, their attire may be hideous but they look totally cool, confident and maybe sexy depending on how you feel about the model. But sexy bodies are not about perfection, maybe you prefer curves, or someone with hairy legs, you define what you find sexy—there’s someone for everyone!

Next in the people watching lesson, is exhibitionist behaviors that one may see: lovers kissing, people who walk in a sexy manner, people who look at you and smile as they pass. At clubs its quite easy to find, just look at the dance floor I promise you will see at least one couple bumping and grinding without a care of who is watching.

The next part of the lesson in people watching suggests watching porn to learn how people look, express their sexuality, and to listen to the way they talk. This also ties in with a talking dirty lesson. Porn is easily accessible if your too shy for the sex store. You can order it online, or even view it online in the comfort and privacy of your own home. Watch it by yourself, lover, or with a non-judgmental friend. However, if porn just doesn’t quite do it for you there are plenty of other outlets to watch and listen: strip clubs, erotica, phone sex lines. Porn doesn’t really do it for me quite frankly, even the woman or lesbian made porn. Being a visual person, one would think I would be into it, but its just not hot. Its more like hmm, that’s nice. I’m pretty certain that the goal of the porn flick was not to make people think: hmm, that’s nice. So for me, I’ll stick to erotica and/or maybe the sex scenes in “Henry and June” or “But I’m a Cheerleader.” I’ve seen hotter sex in mainstream and indie films… maybe the porn industry just isn’t doing it right, yet.

I end this with a quick list of quality erotic stories and erotic art books:
“Little Birds,” & “Delta of Venus” Anaïs Nin
“Glamour Girls: Femme/Femme Erotica” Rachel Kramer Bussel
“Best American Erotica: 2005,” & “Best American Erotica: 2003″  edited by Susie Bright
“The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty,” “Beauty’s Release,” & “Beauty’s Punishment” A. N. Roquelaure
“Exit to Eden” Anne Rice
“Best Lesbian Erotica 1999″ edited by Tristan Taormino
“100 Strokes Before Bed,” & “The Scent of Your Breath” Melissa P.
“Vox” Nicolas Baker
“Under the Roofs of Paris” Henry Miller
erotic art books:
“Anything but the Girl: The Blatant Lesbian Image” edited by Susie Bright and Jill Posener
“Fetish” Tony Mitchell

Exhibitionism

My girlfriend lent me the book “Exhibitionism for the Shy” by Carol Queen. I’ve decided to document my findings. My girlfriend did demand a ‘book report…’

Today’s lesson started with what the term “exhibitionism” is and isn’t. It was once labeled an illness by psychologists who found it to be ‘deviant’ behavior. It got the bad rap from people who do things such as open their trench coat to expose themselves to unsuspecting passers-by. Another behavior that was once labeled ‘deviant’ is voyeurism because of those who perhaps didn’t realize there are those who enjoy being watched. Healthy exhibitionism (and voyeurism) is about it being consensual where you know the behavior is appropriate: at a sex party, in your home, with your lover, with a group of other exhibitionists. It is also defined as “deliberately presenting yourself in an erotic way.” (pg.25)

I think the book also brought up a good point about how mainstream showing off one’s sexual self really is. No one stops to think about it, but some of the examples that were used were things such as a fashion show—my first thought was Victoria’s Secret fashion shows, which are aired on television. Watching a fashion show or flipping through Vogue seems perfectly acceptable whether or not the models are half dressed. Its fashion.. and sex sells. Another example was visual art. Art inspired by sex and sexuality takes exhibitionism and voyeurism to a socially acceptable and cultured level. While talking about sex in public may not always be culturally and socially acceptable, walking into an erotic art exhibit and being the voyeur to these pieces is perfectly acceptable. Well to some — some may still object to sexual art.. I did receive hate mail for the “Sex at the X” show I curated at Gallery X. I find art to be cathartic, and sexual art to be a perfectly healthy way to express one’s feelings, even if not everyone agrees with me.

Somersaulting Dragon

My girlfriend lent me the book “Exhibitionism for the Shy” by Carol Queen. I’ve decided to document my findings. My girlfriend did demand a ‘book report,’ though I think she was kidding. I’m not sure who this book is for me or her.. its a toss up.

My first lesson started when I began leafing through the book, hmm no pictures, “this is a real book” my girlfriend pointed out jokingly when I remarked on it. At the back of the book I found the Appendixes.. the first appendix: “dirty words and phrases.” I thought it odd that they combine the terms for vulva, clitoris and vagina all into one list as if they are all the same thing, which, duh, they are not… must be for the straight men who’ve never seen a naked chic before and think its an all-in-one sort of thing. Anyhow, here’s some fun words from the list: Meatwhistle (penis), coozy (vagina), happy valley (I presume this one could describe the whole female anatomy, but that’s just me). When I got to the section of the appendix entitled “Things to call each other” I began to wonder if I should be insulted that the words “bulldyke, lesbian, lesbo, lez, and lezzie” are on the list. That’s hot, I’ll make sure to whisper those into my girlfriend’s ear. These are the terms I’m sure the old guy and his daughter (?) at CVS, that was glaring at us, was clearly thinking in a not-so-hot-and-bothered-way. And most importantly, are straight people whispering this into their lovers ear? Does this turn on straight couples? Maybe, the term “faggot” is also on there. I suppose one could make their straight man lover into a “faggot” by strapping on a strap on and calling him such.

In other fun terms, a “Cinnabar grotto” is a Chinese Taoist sex term for vagina. And I can’t wait to find out what the Chinese Taoists mean by “somersaulting dragon.” I do hope the book explains these.

smut and free speech.

As I sit here, staring at my copy of A literate Passion: the letters of Anaïs Nin and Henry Miller 1932 – 1953, I am reminded of how Henry Miller’s books were considered so obscene that his work was banned in America until the 60′s. There is a comment on the front cover of  A literate Passion that claims that the book may “disturb some with their intimacy.” How intimacy ‘disturbs’ people, I don’t know… but I hear those feelings of passion, lust and the like, do in fact, disturb, a select few—I don’t get those people.  How does one live without passion, without lust, with out feelings of the erotic, without intimacy, and still consider themselves… human?

The first time I put images up online, back in 2000, someone complained to the website, that was hosting, the artist pages about my work. The website promptly removed most of my images. I was appalled, how could anyone get offended over a series of angels and devils?! Okay, they were all nude. My thought process of the angels and devils series was that we all hold the potential for good and we all hold the potential for evil. They’re all being angels was based on the idea that “Lucifer” was a fallen angel, but an angel none the less.

I presume, the person who had complained hadn’t studied art history too closely. Hello, Greek sculpture of gods and goddess? ideal, beauty? Like it or not, many of it was their erotic art, you can’t look at a single Greek god or goddess and tell me otherwise.

Upon receiving the news that my works had been taken off the site, I wrote to every artist on the site and told them what had happened. In a strange complement to my persuasive writing ability, one artist told me I should write an op-ed piece. Another artist told me that my work wasn’t that good. Eh, art is subjective, and I had possibly found the culprit of the complaint.

Fast forward about eight years and my first curating of what got Gallery X the most publicity we ever received for an exhibit: Sex at the X. One would think, think, that the title alone would prepare some folks for what’s in store. Just in case it didn’t, we put up signs proclaiming ‘viewer discretion advised.’ We still received angry letters and the like. There was even a local radio talk show host who talked about how offensive the show was, every single day for a week! No publicity is bad publicity.

I received an angry letter for our second bout with Sex at the X, which brought in a revenue for our gallery (in a recession!) and drew a big crowd for the opening. I guess not everyone is offended by what is a human act, human feelings: sexuality, desire, lust. If, as an artist, you can’t express such feelings and human concepts, freely, then there’s not much to paint, to sculpt, to bother with creating. And Henry Miller and Anaïs Nin would roll over in their graves, along with a host of other passionate, human, creative types.

I seen the other day an article about Johnny Weir, after some commentators had said some not so nice things about him – say what you will, the dude can skate! He didn’t demand an apology, though he deserves one. Though an apology would’ve been half-hearted, and would it truly right a wrong? No, which is probably why he didn’t demand one. This whole thing reminded me of freedom of speech and a balance of differing opinions does keep everyone on their toes, true. It still bothers me that there are those that want to revoke our freedom so that they can assert their own ignorance, close mindedness, and intolerance.

I think it makes us realize we must strongly believe in the art we put forth, for those critics (who may or may not be better than us) that will cut us down the minute they can voice an opinion, the instant you hang it on the wall, put it on a pedestal, perform it, write the words.

the “down there” book.

Once upon a time I decided that with all this abstinence only programs, kids not knowing about sex, and many young women not knowing the name of their own genitalia, that I should create a piece of art that addresses this or at least one issue. It was  educational and makes a statement about female sexuality and woman’s bodies.. and make a statement I did! I proudly displayed this piece back in 2006 and to my amusement, and dismay, not a soul would pick up the “down there” book. I guess no one was interested in what was “down there,”  though I bet half the people that walked by my book couldn’t name the actual parts of a woman’s genitalia or even tell you what one looks like, but could a man. Which is the point of the book that is called “Girl Handbook” and not the “down there” book… I found it today (because no one bought it either) and felt nostalgic…

portrait from my journal…

She has this weird habit of just randomly smiling when there are those conversation lulls… or maybe its me that is smiling and she is returning it? She’s one of those straight women who makes one think she may not be – maybe all dykes want interesting women to be dykes. We’d hate for there to be ‘boring’ dykes, we want them all to be interesting, fascinating people, people that sparkle with wit, charisma, and of course brains.. Maybe she transcends a label to her sexuality. It just is.

Those shy, sly smiles are probably due to my habit of intensely watching people as they talk, sometimes people fascinate me. And I in turn, make them totally uncomfortable. She’s interesting … she leaves this impression on me, its like an after-taste. I keep thinking about it and her presence lingers.

Call for art: Sex at the X

Sex at the X at Gallery X
Our erotic art show.
Juror: Robert Siegelman
Submission fees:  $35 for 3 pieces or $15 per piece.
(submission does not guarantee entrance into the show)

drop off: January 27 – 31, 11am – 3pm
exhibit dates: Feb. 3—Feb. 27
Reception Sat. Feb. 6, 7-10pm

Gallery X online.

dressing up and down…

I am still stuck in Halloween mode, then again, one of my favorite things to do is dress up. I love clothes: vintage clothes, comfy clothes, dress-up clothes, pj clothes, clothes, clothes, clothes. I like checking out what other people are wearing, sometimes I wonder why they are wearing what they are wearing, sometimes I feel a bit envious.

I can see why Cindy Sherman does what she does, because allegedly, she just likes to dress-up. I used to play dress-up as a child, clearly I have yet to outgrow it. I start planning Halloween in August. I take pictures of myself (which my girlfriend enjoys) in various styles of dress… though I seldom dress like a whore, even for Halloween… which brings me to women dressing like whores on Halloween. Now, I admit, I once dressed as a hooker, as a joke on Halloween when I was 15. And at age 29 or so, dressed as a dominatrix, though the costume wasn’t really slutty, because a dom can be mostly covered up.

Anyways, this was the first year that I went to Providence on Halloween. I was interesting just to people watch, while not driving down the streets, trying to avoid the hordes of people. I fully understand the concept of donning a different persona for one evening, so maybe these women are your typical ‘good girls’ who think a short skirt/shorts, spiked heels and cleavage make them look ‘sexy.’ Actually they all ended up looking like clones.

I’m all for being sex-positive, but this wasn’t it. Dressing like a whore for Halloween isn’t empowering, I felt a bit bad for them. They were doing it to attract attention, possibly of men. Its the promise of being/feeling sexy and one that may not always be fulfilled. I know, I’ve bought into sexy underthings.. they ain’t getting you laid, or bringing you eternal, or momentary happiness. Your just going to have pretty underwear and/or sexy clothes.

Maybe that was all the clothes they had? Maybe they were protesting the law finally banning indoor prostitution in RI? (a much debated issue that I found trivial and frivolous for my tax dollars, but that’s another topic for another time)