knock-kneed and tongue tied.

My girlfriend lent me the book “Exhibitionism for the Shy” by Carol Queen. I’ve decided to document my findings. My girlfriend did demand a ‘book report…’

I started the chapter we’ve all been waiting for (or at least I have): talking dirty. There’s half a dozen exercises and advice from the dirty-potty-mouth experts. I guess the moral of the chapter (if there is one) is that there is just no tried and true way, but many fun ways to get over that tongue-tied feeling…

I am proud to say that I can at least do the first exercise, which is to say dirty words, not necessarily in context. Just to say them in general. I guess some people have a hard time being a potty mouth, but not me! I’m pretty sure I’ve used at least one of the following words just this afternoon: fuck, pussy, cock, dick, cunt. But I digress, the exercise was to say words like ‘fuck’ or ‘pussy’ or whatnot, while your by yourself like driving down the street or when your home alone doing chores. After reading this all I could imagine was some suburban housewife chanting the words ‘fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck’ while washing the dishes or doing laundry. I may try it the next time I am doing chores, just to liven things up a bit.

Once your used to saying dirty little four letter words, try them when your masturbating. According to the book, you can talk a blue streak or just say phrases, since no one is going to hear you anyhow. The book also suggests taping yourself talking just to get used to hearing those words coming from your mouth. Since my home is like grand-central station talking while masturbating at home, is something I would have to do with the door locked and the stereo blasting and I may still be interrupted seven times. Maybe I should move to a cabin in the woods just to do this exercise.

Of course coming up with sexy things may be your issue… the book has a solution for that as well, porn! With porn you may need to watch a lot of it to find ones that have more dialogue than, “suck my cock, bitch” unless this sort of talk turns you on. Others may need to dig deeper for what they find erotic.. so have yourself a porn-fest to find what kind of dirty talk gets you hot and bothered! Another great place for inspiration is erotica… making up your own or reading someone else’s. The book seems to think pretty highly of erotica and sharing fantasies and/or dirty stories with your partner. It goes back to the on-going theme of sex being adult play. You can even leave dirty little notes to your partner or write stories to be read later or just some improv stories while your in bed together. Being a literary geek, who happens to be pretty good with the written word, this is something I may actually be able to do! It seems far less intimidating. And hey, while your either reading or making up dirty stories/fantasies with your partner, wouldn’t you know it, your talking dirty! Good job!

For the reticent, the book suggests to talk about sex in general with your partner and/or with friends. I presume just talking about sex will get you over your utter fear/stage fright of sounding foolish when talking dirty. Well here I am, talking about sex so I guess I at least passed that test. The next step after getting over the talking-about-sex-hump (no pun intended) is to include the dirty four letter words while talking about sex.

“Exhibitionism for the shy” is encouraging of erotic talk because communication in any relationship is key, especially when it comes to sex. It suggests that talking dirty may give one a boost in self-esteem and maybe, make sex that much better. Once you can communicate what you like, your partner will know what buttons to push or not, so to speak. Not to mention, when both of you talk to each other, you’ll know what makes your partner hot and bothered as well. It works both ways. However, when making suggestions in the bedroom remember to use positive statements. No one wants to be told: “Your not going to fuck me until you put on a condom.” What a mood killer. There is a more, positive, eh, sexier way to state what you want, the book suggest something like “Let me get a rubber on that hot cock of yours..” (pg.77) Keep that in mind.

“When you learn to give voice to your erotic feelings, desires, fantasies, you may find that your shyness melts away – but in any event, your sex life will be richer and better.” (p. 90)

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some dirty stories to conjure up…

Shake it, Work it, Dress it up!

My girlfriend lent me the book “Exhibitionism for the Shy” by Carol Queen. I’ve decided to document my findings. My girlfriend did demand a ‘book report…’

Today’s dirty blog is about learning to show off. The book does point out that one can be an exhibitionist without ever “conquering the fear of appealing to strangers.” (p.46) I really enjoy how this book is about making exhibitionism and voyeurism into your own expression, kind of like in yoga class when the instructor states to do your own expression of the pose at hand. The chapters now include, exercises and lots of them! The first exercise includes something near and dear to my heart, dancing! Carol Queen talks with Margaret Cho who is allegedly doing burlesque and belly dancing now. Margaret Cho claims that dancing is very exhibitionist behavior because a dancer’s moves reveals, what’s on the inside. You can’t hide while dancing, not to mention, everyone is looking at you up there on stage under those spotlights. I never stopped and thought about it, but yes I suppose it is exhibitionistic. Whether or not your taking your clothes off while doing it, dancing is hot. That said, the exercise is to dance for yourself. Dancing is about feeling the music, moving with it, maybe moving your hips and pelvis if that strikes your fancy. Because your by yourself, one need not worry about being judged about their dancing abilities. And once you’ve warmed up to the idea of dancing by yourself, the book suggests stepping it up a bit: dance in front of a mirror. Being a former dancer, this is a simple exercise. From years of seeing myself move in front of a mirror, I can envision myself in pretty much every conceivable position. Its almost weird to do things like practice yoga without a mirror, because I’m so used to seeing myself move in front of one. Though I know not everyone has had that opportunity to tune into their body or to see their body move. I imagine its a bit of a scary thought. The important point is to banish the negative self-talk when watching yourself move, you are doing this for you, not anyone else. To quote the book “Zen and the Art of Happiness,” this is for your benefit.

“Sex is adult play, and one of the biggest detriments of shyness is that it so often short-circuits our playful feelings.” (p.49)

The next exercise is self pleasure! Now here comes the part where I list more fun facts about masturbation… some of the benefits include: heightened self-esteem, feeling more alive and powerful, sexual satisfaction, orgasms, not to mention you know what you like, what feels good to you, and can later share it with a partner. Like the dancing exercise, this is a one on one exercise. No need to judge. Make yourself feel special, seduce yourself, this is about you and your pleasure. Maybe to set the mood you can light some candles, take a nice bubble bath, play some music. Or maybe you need more than candles to get in the mood, the book suggests an erotic book, movie and/or getting out those ole sex toys. Remember, this is what turns you on and/or motivates you to get it on. The book later suggests that maybe your next step after self pleasure, if your comfortable, is to try it with a lover watching.

The final exercise in this chapter is another one near and dear to my heart, dressing up. Who didn’t love playing dress-up as a child?! I still like to do it for my self portraits… I’m unabashed to admit, I love clothes! This chapter however, is about erotic costuming. But again, this is ‘costuming’ that makes you feel sexy. This could be sexy lingerie under your clothes, or some peep-toe stiletto heels with your everyday wear. Erotic dress depends on where you plan on wearing it, sexy lingerie is clearly not street wear unless your attending a sex party in which case then anything goes, so I’ve heard from someone who was a bouncer for one. Regardless of where your going or who is going to see or not see it, it needs to be comfortable to you. If sexy lingerie or stilettos are uncomfortable, don’t wear them. Maybe you feel sexy in long, flowing clothing – go with it! Or if your female and wearing men’s clothing is what makes you feel like a hottie, or vice versa, go with it! There is no rules as to what constitutes ‘erotic’ dress because there is something for everyone.

Looking ahead, I discover that talking dirty is the next chapter to conquer…. I can write dirty things, but having them actually emerge from my mouth, not in jest, that’s a whole other thing. That may take some practice…

On being a voyeur…

My girlfriend lent me the book “Exhibitionism for the Shy” by Carol Queen. I’ve decided to document my findings. My girlfriend did demand a ‘book report…’

First, a lesson that isn’t listed in the book: read this when there are not numerous distractions—maybe at 2am when no one will call you or pop in while your reading a book that has the words “Exhibitionism for the shy” boldly written across the cover. For a book for shy people its cover is less than that. Perhaps just get a book cover and say your reading Charles Dickens, no one will ask any further questions if the answer is that your reading Dickens.

That said, on to the actual lesson in the book: Looking. The book suggests just watching how people dress and carry themselves. Easy enough right. By looking at how others dress and carry themselves you can judge for yourself what you do and do not find sexy and appealing about what you see. Allegedly, “exhibitionistic” modes of dress include: tight clothing, bright colors and/or patterns, unusual materials like leather, metallic or fur, and clothing that shows a lot of skin whether skimpy or sheer. So basically walk into any mall and you will see this because most of this is currently in style. The thing is, do the people you see wearing these clothes look comfortable and confident in them? The book states one should never wear something that makes them uncomfortable – I concur with this wholeheartedly. A person who is comfortable and confident in what they are wearing can in turn be sexy… look a models walking down a runway, their attire may be hideous but they look totally cool, confident and maybe sexy depending on how you feel about the model. But sexy bodies are not about perfection, maybe you prefer curves, or someone with hairy legs, you define what you find sexy—there’s someone for everyone!

Next in the people watching lesson, is exhibitionist behaviors that one may see: lovers kissing, people who walk in a sexy manner, people who look at you and smile as they pass. At clubs its quite easy to find, just look at the dance floor I promise you will see at least one couple bumping and grinding without a care of who is watching.

The next part of the lesson in people watching suggests watching porn to learn how people look, express their sexuality, and to listen to the way they talk. This also ties in with a talking dirty lesson. Porn is easily accessible if your too shy for the sex store. You can order it online, or even view it online in the comfort and privacy of your own home. Watch it by yourself, lover, or with a non-judgmental friend. However, if porn just doesn’t quite do it for you there are plenty of other outlets to watch and listen: strip clubs, erotica, phone sex lines. Porn doesn’t really do it for me quite frankly, even the woman or lesbian made porn. Being a visual person, one would think I would be into it, but its just not hot. Its more like hmm, that’s nice. I’m pretty certain that the goal of the porn flick was not to make people think: hmm, that’s nice. So for me, I’ll stick to erotica and/or maybe the sex scenes in “Henry and June” or “But I’m a Cheerleader.” I’ve seen hotter sex in mainstream and indie films… maybe the porn industry just isn’t doing it right, yet.

I end this with a quick list of quality erotic stories and erotic art books:
“Little Birds,” & “Delta of Venus” Anaïs Nin
“Glamour Girls: Femme/Femme Erotica” Rachel Kramer Bussel
“Best American Erotica: 2005,” & “Best American Erotica: 2003″  edited by Susie Bright
“The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty,” “Beauty’s Release,” & “Beauty’s Punishment” A. N. Roquelaure
“Exit to Eden” Anne Rice
“Best Lesbian Erotica 1999″ edited by Tristan Taormino
“100 Strokes Before Bed,” & “The Scent of Your Breath” Melissa P.
“Vox” Nicolas Baker
“Under the Roofs of Paris” Henry Miller
erotic art books:
“Anything but the Girl: The Blatant Lesbian Image” edited by Susie Bright and Jill Posener
“Fetish” Tony Mitchell

Exhibitionism

My girlfriend lent me the book “Exhibitionism for the Shy” by Carol Queen. I’ve decided to document my findings. My girlfriend did demand a ‘book report…’

Today’s lesson started with what the term “exhibitionism” is and isn’t. It was once labeled an illness by psychologists who found it to be ‘deviant’ behavior. It got the bad rap from people who do things such as open their trench coat to expose themselves to unsuspecting passers-by. Another behavior that was once labeled ‘deviant’ is voyeurism because of those who perhaps didn’t realize there are those who enjoy being watched. Healthy exhibitionism (and voyeurism) is about it being consensual where you know the behavior is appropriate: at a sex party, in your home, with your lover, with a group of other exhibitionists. It is also defined as “deliberately presenting yourself in an erotic way.” (pg.25)

I think the book also brought up a good point about how mainstream showing off one’s sexual self really is. No one stops to think about it, but some of the examples that were used were things such as a fashion show—my first thought was Victoria’s Secret fashion shows, which are aired on television. Watching a fashion show or flipping through Vogue seems perfectly acceptable whether or not the models are half dressed. Its fashion.. and sex sells. Another example was visual art. Art inspired by sex and sexuality takes exhibitionism and voyeurism to a socially acceptable and cultured level. While talking about sex in public may not always be culturally and socially acceptable, walking into an erotic art exhibit and being the voyeur to these pieces is perfectly acceptable. Well to some — some may still object to sexual art.. I did receive hate mail for the “Sex at the X” show I curated at Gallery X. I find art to be cathartic, and sexual art to be a perfectly healthy way to express one’s feelings, even if not everyone agrees with me.

Here’s why abstince only programs don’t work…

Gaps found in young people’s sex knowledge
By Elizabeth Landau, CNN

quote from the article: Myths about pregnancy and sexual activity continue to permeate circles of young people. For instance, 28 percent of men incorrectly believe they will get extra protection from wearing two condoms at once, a practice that actually leads to condom breakage. At the same time, 18 percent of men wrongly believe that having sex standing up reduces the chance that they will get a female partner pregnant.

…not too scary right?

no sex in RI.

For those not in RI, indoor prostitution was a big issue. It was legal until recently. I understand that human trafficking and exploitation is wrong, however, there are healthy expressions of sexuality that are not exploitation. Sex is natural, people have been doing it since humans walked the earth.

I received the following in an email from From RI Citizens for the Arts:

The Arts Affected by new Sex Trafficking law
During the recent 2-day session of the General Assembly, the legislature passed amendments to the state’s “sex trafficking” law.  This law has possible negative implications for the arts community.  The legislation includes a definition for “sexually explicit performance” to mean “an act or show, intended to arouse, satisfy the sexual desires of, or appeal to the prurient interests of patrons or viewers, whether public or private, live, photographed, recorded, or videotaped”.  Further the legislation holds any person found guilty of, among other things, recruiting, employing, transporting, or persuading a minor to participate is punishable by up to 40 years in prison.   The subjective nature of the definition and its broad implications can be detrimental to the arts community.  As our colleague Steven Brown at the RI-ACLU points out in a letter to us:  “From an MTV video, to the filming of Lolita or just about any teen sex comedy, to the display of artful photography of minors – involvement in any of these activities in Rhode Island may now be a felony”.   This language was added in House Judiciary Committee late on the first night of the 2-day session, and then passed in the Senate on the final day.  Once we heard of the bill from the RI-ACLU, RI Citizens for the Arts embarked on a phone campaign and lobbying effort to Senator Rhoda Perry (D-Providence), the lead sponsor.   While the bill passed, both Senator Perry and Senator Maryellen Goodwin (D-Providence) have offered to sponsor an amendment to the bill in the coming session, seeking to adjust this language.  RI Citizens for the Arts will continue to pursue this with the legislators.   Further, the RI-ACLU is considering a legal challenge to the law, and has asked members of the arts community to consider being plantiffs on the suit.

projo article: http://politicsblog.projo.com/2009/11/ri-aclu-directo.html

Thankfully, the Sex at the X show, that I am curating at Gallery X, is taking place in New Bedford, MA.

dressing up and down…

I am still stuck in Halloween mode, then again, one of my favorite things to do is dress up. I love clothes: vintage clothes, comfy clothes, dress-up clothes, pj clothes, clothes, clothes, clothes. I like checking out what other people are wearing, sometimes I wonder why they are wearing what they are wearing, sometimes I feel a bit envious.

I can see why Cindy Sherman does what she does, because allegedly, she just likes to dress-up. I used to play dress-up as a child, clearly I have yet to outgrow it. I start planning Halloween in August. I take pictures of myself (which my girlfriend enjoys) in various styles of dress… though I seldom dress like a whore, even for Halloween… which brings me to women dressing like whores on Halloween. Now, I admit, I once dressed as a hooker, as a joke on Halloween when I was 15. And at age 29 or so, dressed as a dominatrix, though the costume wasn’t really slutty, because a dom can be mostly covered up.

Anyways, this was the first year that I went to Providence on Halloween. I was interesting just to people watch, while not driving down the streets, trying to avoid the hordes of people. I fully understand the concept of donning a different persona for one evening, so maybe these women are your typical ‘good girls’ who think a short skirt/shorts, spiked heels and cleavage make them look ‘sexy.’ Actually they all ended up looking like clones.

I’m all for being sex-positive, but this wasn’t it. Dressing like a whore for Halloween isn’t empowering, I felt a bit bad for them. They were doing it to attract attention, possibly of men. Its the promise of being/feeling sexy and one that may not always be fulfilled. I know, I’ve bought into sexy underthings.. they ain’t getting you laid, or bringing you eternal, or momentary happiness. Your just going to have pretty underwear and/or sexy clothes.

Maybe that was all the clothes they had? Maybe they were protesting the law finally banning indoor prostitution in RI? (a much debated issue that I found trivial and frivolous for my tax dollars, but that’s another topic for another time)

Gallery Craziness….

Its been a busy week… coffee meets, dates that I hope call back… and the 20th anniversary of the Gallery X Public Hanging!

this picture of the Cocktail Club makes me laugh, it looks as if the painting behind us is embarrassed for us…

The show at Gallery X was insane… so many people… and it was crazy hotter than hell inside. There was an assload of artwork (most of it for sale *hint*hint). I don’t think I’ve seen it that jam packed with work in awhile – we took everyone with money who entered.

I kind of feel like I need to go back and check everything out again.. I tend to get overwhelmed at openings and don’t always get to take in everything I want to – I get over stimulated and I start to people watch and forget about the art I meant to look at. Stimulation seems to be my on-going theme this week….

Pop and I keep joking around and telling each other: “if you chuck it in a few times, its not sex..”

(I stole these pictures from Larissa she’d be the lovely blonde artist in the photos.. her hubby, Mike, took some of them, he’s the dude in the red shirt.)

numb dumb love

I haven’t wrote a poem in awhile, lately the only time I can is when I am almost beyond words and I’ve gone straight to impressions, images, feelings and such that are not easily described in sentence/paragraph form:

“numb dumb love”

standing on washington st. trying to achieve numb. trying to get past the desperation that lack of love leads to. I tell myself it won’t be only about just sex. i relive the dream of last night and the one before that – where the hell is that person?! the static on the other end of my cellphone, in real life. conversations drown in the fading daylight. just like everyone that promised something. fading. every second I stop and think makes me think I shouldn’t. sinking into the concrete. the heartbreak. the fool-heartedness of the dumb romantic hopes. dreams that mean jack-fucking-shit now.. in light of the now… somehow we/i still beat, breathe and wish.

earlier pain seems so far away speeding down 95, tears mixed with the sounds of rushing cars, wind, vision blurring, music blaring… always a sound to fall numb into. numb and yet rushing – rushing to nowhere really, there’s no one waiting. its the lovely lonely one a.m hour… the radio says, “i believe in a thing called love…” why do those that are so full of it, feel so full of shit? what’s the point of feeling if there’s empty rooms, singing to the radio, silent nights, trying to figure out one’s potential love life in a phone call to your best friend, standing on Washington St. feeling it all fall but not so much into place. the lack of hope, falls to my feet, gets crushed by the rush of cars.

I could use some luck potion, some love potion, some sort of charm. my charm has failed yet again. I think maybe this time – unfeeling – it should just be about sex. sex is easy. its everything else that gets in the way. if I’d had a concrete sinking to my knees chance.

bringing sexy back…

Lately I feel like my life has been much like the song where the chorus line says, “work. school. work. death.” I forget who sings it. Maybe I need more yoga and mediation… or a vacation…maybe I need to get laid?

…I started to think about someone I used to date, while I was daydreaming earlier. I have plenty of time to daydream when I go out to dinner with my parents because they are not always that talkative. Its not like I was thinking about sex right there with the folks at the dinner table in the middle of AppleBees. I’m not a total pervert. I was just thinking “just a what if…” As in what if XXX walked through the door and we just picked up where we left off? I know what would happen, my best friends would have me committed.

Maybe its the season. Spring is kind of a sexy time of year. Things are in bloom, animals and humans are feeling a little more spring in their step, what with not freezing ones’ ass off or having to treck through several feet of snow. However, Rhode Island doesn’t seem to be getting so much spring-like weather this year. The other week it was 80 degrees outside! I don’t mind so much not having spring weather, as I enjoy being able to wear my favorite outfit of big sunglasses, wife beater, skirt and flip flops or my little cloth mary janes from Spectrum on Thayer St. The only “accessory” I seem to lack is a nice girl to hold hands with. Of course I never go for the said “nice” girls (or guys for that matter). I keep saying I want to meet one, and end up with the ones that are usually bad for me.. bad, but oh so good, in other ways.

Maybe my lack of dating has been the fuel for my creativity lately, though I could just be a crafty bitch. Some tend to think I’m a rather crafty bitch. Thank every god in the universe for creativity ability… I don’t know what I’d do with all my excess energies, I’d probably practice yoga and mediation 7 hours a day if it were not for drawing, painting, sewing and writing. And thank every god in the universe for music to keep me well entertained.. so I can create crazy playlists on my itunes, centered around my various moods.

I made one today that I decided should be “sexy” music to go along with my lack of a love life rather than mope about it. Some of the songs made the cut just for the titles alone.. like the one titled “Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh.” It was a stereogum email mp3 of the week thing… I think I’ve listened to it twice, ever:

1. stars – au revior simone
2. tight black leather – black francis
3. i’m not gonna teach your boyfriend how to dance – black kids
4. le flying saucer hat – chairlift
5. he’s got the honey – donita sparks
6. the lovecats – dylan in the movie & tanya donelly
7. hurricane – emily rogers
8. o, shot – the gay blades (best band name ever!)
9. fun with ropes – the go-go’s
10. o stella – pj harvey
11. dammit – the kelley deal 6000 (the next best band name ever)
12. shirley – L7
13. awake – letters to cleo
14. knocked up – Lykke Li
15. hi, remember me – my brightest diamond
16. bad girl – new york dolls
17. down to the well – pixies
18. pretty in pink – the psychedelic furs
19. lust – the raveonettes
20. you drive me wild – the runaways
21. oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh – say hi
22. anything but love – squirrel nut zippers
23. so fine (chairlift remix) – telepathe
24. teenager lust – times new viking
25. sweet jane – the velvet underground
26. bang – the yeah yeah yeahs
27. somebody to love – 50 foot wave