First day of school.

First day of classes is done. The night before insomnia, the morning of nauseous, the when I arrive excitement of something new and maybe so new it’s a little scary to jump into. All the potential papers and projects and headaches all swirled into three separate fuzzy syllabus… I could vomit. I could crawl back into bed and get up somewhere around December. I could check myself into Butler… or, I could watched “Charmed” on Netflicks and drink Sleepy time Vanilla Chamomile tea.

my diploma is collecting dust…

I could scream and cry and throw shit. I  could. I could shrug it off. I could go back to bed and sleep until the recession ends – hah! I have this sadness, like a weight on my chest. The tears want to fall and I fight the emotion with piss and vigor. I don’t want to shed anymore tears for the lost cause. What’s the point. I felt doomed on that miserably cool June morning back in 2001. Lined up like cattle to receive a piece of documentation, a hand shake, and several speakers all cheering all of our success. That piece of documentation  is collecting dust…

I guess I wanted to be Basquiat, or something to that effect. The poor, starving artist rising to fame, fortune and what constitutes as the American dream. What a dream, whirlwind, cacophony, sham the movie Basquiat puts inside my head. I feel overwhelmed in watching the movie, to the point that I can’t sit still to watch the whole thing. I’ve only been able to sit through the movie once, ever. The whole thing overwhelms me, its as if every ‘character’ in the movie is telling me, like Henry Miller to “Do something – no matter how mad, no matter how terrible! Say something to the world…” I feel at that instant that I should.

I could use some Henry Miller wisdom right now. I shouldn’t be almost choking down my dinner and milk. I shouldn’t. I’m used to the pink slips of the world. I was born rejected – I’m the underdog. I still have my health and a loving girlfriend. Though this pink slip of the world came at such a choice moment in my life! Because I was happy! And I was riding on cloud nine in love (and clearly nothing could go wrong). I was about to apply to graduate school. I was putting everything in order (finally!) to apply. I’ve been wanting to do this for five years! five years! I had to wait through my first big-girl job loss, two surgeries and thyroid cancer. I should be skipping to the post office, with manila envelope clutched tightly thinking,”here’s to my future.” My girlfriend and I should be able to celebrate when I get the acceptance letter.  Instead.. I lost yet another job (the universe is clearly trying to communicate with me – like hey asshole jump off a bridge.) and I’m back on good ole partial unemployment. Its like I’ve never left. I’ve gone full circle.

Maybe I’ll apply to grad school and hope for the best. Maybe I should run off to Paris, like Henry Miller, I have little money and little responsibilities – I should be the happiest woman alive! Why does money have to ruin everything? Or more specifically, the concept of money, it rule over us. Because that flimsy piece of paper is nothing and everything. The more of those pieces of paper you have, the more power you have, and the less you have, the more powerless you feel. The less power you feel you have, the more dejected you feel. You feel powerless to circumstances. Either way, why did have to ruin my stride?

at least the music makes me happy…

Mel’s project for the next god-knows how long.. is school, the betterment of oneself for the long haul of breathing and life. I’d like to be a shiny happy useful human being. Its not like I thought applying or going to grad school would be a breeze. I knew it’d be tough, and a possible financial burden. Though, I would like it to be a tad less intimidating – this is my career/future at stake! Right now I am so stressed out just by looking at all the stupid Grad school requirements! teacher portfolios, art portfolios, portfolio training sessions, GRE, MAT, PRAXIS-PRE test or whatever the hell its called, and they’re not free kids!! then applications fees, students fees, lab fees, breathing fees, interviews, portfolio reviews, the review of all the art classes you’ve taken to determine if you/your art are acceptable or not? blood, sweat, tears, essay about why you want to go there, be a teacher, want to pull out your own hair and check yourself into Butler.

My dream of living in a commune is sounding like a good idea, say fuck it all – leave the ‘helping the world’ to someone else, maybe I’ll just join the PeaceCorps though I’m probably too old now. Is there an Older-People-PeaceCorps?

oh and I found this on the nets, go download and be merry, music is my source of sanity right now :
http://www.tanyadonelly.com/music.html

Love, Life, Living it.

“Enjoy life. Intoxicate yourself with life. Describe it. Do not comment on it, or draw false conclusions.” Fine advice via Anaïs Nin in a letter to Henry Miller. Its easier said than done for myself and Henry Miller. I think I find myself in both of their writings. I can relate, its human, their works encompass what being human is essentially about: money, love, living, strife, struggle, and triumph. Henry Miller seemed to have the same issue with the opposite sex that I have with both sexes, that being finding someone to love. The dude had five wives (separately, he wasn’t a Mormon or anything)! On the one hand, he was in his late seventies and married to a twenty year old Japanese woman, so high-five to him for that one. On the otherhand, he really had shit for luck as well. Anyone that knows anything about him knows he lived in poverty for quite awhile and his wife, June, caused him more pain than it was worth. But that’s life and love. I think love and lack there of, is both a joy and misery of being human.

Part of me finds it odd that of all the people I meet, and I can safely say I’ve a lot of different types, I still haven’t had a significant other in years! Not because I think I’m too good to miss, I know of people who are a disgrace to humanity that can find others – they can also find good jobs, but that is another subject for another day. I’m not even talking about finding ‘the one’ that could take forever! Maybe ‘the one for right now’ is a simpler find. However, if ‘the one right now’ turns out to be ‘the one’ that would be nice as well. I may end up with five wives like Henry Miller… though by my age he was on number two so I have some catching up to do.

I guess one of my problems with love and all that is involved is the fact you can’t make a person like you. You can wish to every power in the universe for that feeling reciprocated but it doesn’t mean shit if they don’t feel the same. I know, I always seem to fall for either the ones who are oblivious to my desire or could give a flying shit. The “could give a flying shit” will at least go out with me, but they “could give a flying shit” so it doesn’t matter if I call, or they call, or they never see me again. I may go out with them for months and one day they will just up and decide, “I’m done with this..” and I never see them again! Sometimes I wonder if my desire for love is in vain. That maybe something in the universe doesn’t want me to attain it.. if there is anything – a spirit or whatnot, that has a control over us humans – it surely doesn’t like me.

I’ve always been this sort of romantic fool. I’ve always had crushes on people since I was a kid. I didn’t always admit it because one of the first ones I did confess my love to was this boy named, Peter, in my first grade class. For Valentine’s we had a party in my class complete with handing out Valentine’s to each other. My Méme used to work for this company that distributed things like Easter baskets and Valentine’s candy. She had gotten me these lollipops with matching generic Valentine’s Day cards. The lollipops said cute little sayings like: “Happy Valentine’s” and “Be Mine.” For some asinine reason, I decided to give Peter the lollipop that said, “I love you.” No one bothered to tell a first grader that this is probably a bad idea, maybe they thought he was my secret boyfriend? The kids made fun of me, of course. It didn’t stop me. I kept on keeping on. I didn’t tell anyone about crushes I had until about 7th grade, when crushes were a bit more socially acceptable… and people normally didn’t laugh at you because of it. Unless you were the boy named, Jesse, who laughed at me when everyone convinced me to ask him out because he was ‘really shy,’ but allegedly liked me. When heartbroken over him or maybe it was the other boy who rejected me when I asked him out, my Mother told me that I was too aggressive and that “boys don’t like girls like that.” Which was really bad advice. I think those boys were just pussies… its probably why I like women better as romantic partners, no woman loving woman is ‘put off’ by a girl asking her out.

The Format has a song in which the chorus goes, “I love love// I love being in love// I don’t care what it does to me!” Ain’t that the truth. I think my love of love has driven my passion for the arts, maybe I would’ve still had a passion for the arts if I consistently found love reciprocated. I suppose we’ll never know. I lose myself in music, art, and dance. They are a constant. I don’t have to worry that the paintbrushes may find me uninteresting, or that my stereo finds me moody. True I can’t really talk to them, though sometimes I do feel compelled to yell a response to a song on the radio. My neighbors must think I’m insane. However, sometimes being down on a Tuesday afternoon is really not the time to get down, everyone is at work. That is when art comes in, its around when I can’t seem to get anyone via telephone to actually talk to about why I’m happy, sad or indifferent.

In studying Erikson’s stages of development, I discover I am right in the “Intimacy vs. Isolation” stage. This is a great stage to utterly lose one’s mind. According to Mr. Erikson, at this stage I am supposed to find an intimate relationship (friendship and/or romantic) in which I simultaneously find and lose myself in. If one fails to do so, their ‘loneliness will be a dark cloud over their lives.’ Erikson’s stages of development are not exactly a laugh riot. The other stages are equally uplifting. I’m also thankful for having some good friends so I can avoid that dark cloud over the rest of my life.

After much thought about love. I have come to the conclusion that I need to still live. That searching can only take up so much of my time, much like job hunting. You will go insane looking for either, if you let it. In college, I thought that I would meet someone in college. By senior year, I assumed maybe I was meant to focus on my career and love would follow… now I’m not so sure, things seem to happen all at once for me rather than at intervals, like normal people. I’m pretty sure I may just get the big art exhibit, a job that pays the bills, and the person of my dreams all in one afternoon.

4.0 bitches..

that’s right I got A’s in both classes, I just checked my final grades online… bringing my GPA to a 4.0. I’ve never had a 4.0! not that having this is going to help much in finding a job… well small victories right?