Gloomy Sunday.

The only downfall of having a good time is waking up the next day. I’m not talking about a hang-over. I’m talking about the let-down of waking up alone, to your cats, and some crap classic rock playing on the radio. I try to remember that not every day is an all-out adventure/festival atmosphere. And that is okay, because I’d probably get bored if it were. Every day is different, today is gray, cool, autumn-like and rather than dancing around with a bunch of hot sweaty women in a dark room, I’m going to sturdy for an art history quiz.

I can shut off the crappy classic radio and put on Band of Horses, I can make myself some Starbucks coffee and make the best of it. It’s only noon, who knows what the day could bring…

“making it free-er.”

Today’s musical selection is a departure from yesterday’s angst.. I’m listening to MIA and Co’s “Vicki-Leekx Mixtape,” which is amazing and free to download! This month has been some weird combination of an interesting journey and an upward hill battle. I feel that one of the best things I did for myself was to make a drawing a day. Its really challenged me to work and think about my work. Some days its been, meh and days I’ve surprise myself.

Today I was thinking about my relationship. Its the longest relationship I’ve ever had. I’m grateful and lucky to have met someone that I feel I truly connect with. This is a person who gave me the time of day, got to know me, had the same patience and understanding I’ve given but hadn’t received in a romantic relationship.. oh yeah and then there’s all the passion and sexy time stuff…

This piece was obviously another idea. Its something I’ve been going back and forth with lately, simplicity.. and a sense of inner peace. Having what I want out of life, but knowing there may be a cost to get it. I may have to compromise something, and how much of myself am I willing to compromise. And why do/should I?

my message for today and every day there after..

I just don’t understand hatred, bigotry and ignorance…
who cares who you love, does love harm others? Who cares how you chose to express your gender?  Who cares what religion you worship? Who cares what country you were born in, or what language you speak or don’t speak…

lets coexist. no one is better than the other. no one is better than the other. we’re equal, remember that. we all end up in the ground, much in the same way we came out of the womb. we live. we die. we eat, fuck and sleep.

in thinking about my future…

“…you fall in love with people’s minds.” Hugo Guiler to Anaïs Nin

I’m pretty sure I truly need a challenge, something to wake me up creativity and intellectually. Something to be excited about! Something to wrap your brain around in the morning when the alarm goes off or those moments before drifting off to sleep. Why be bored with boring surroundings, people, the same boring routine?! I’d rather be dead or sleeping or daydreaming! I need stimuli, like the brain needs it and causes dreaming. I start to daydream when un-stimulated, I’m a creative, intellectual person – I just need that stimulation, because without it I don’t understand the point of breathing.

While in college, I feel, looking back, that I was full of life,hope. Upon graduating into the horrors of our failing economy, I fell…I was bored. My art didn’t sell like I hoped, many of my paintings collecting dust in the basement, under my bed, ect. I had to start holding myself back so as to not create so much – what an idiot! I feel into this routine, my hope dashed, the life sucked out of me. This year, its back, back with a vengeance, I don’t know what woke me up to it. It wasn’t just meeting my girlfriend, she helped wake me up I must admit…. but other factors as well, maybe it was casting off the old doubts? just saying to myself: you know what? who cares if I paint a million paintings this month that don’t sell. Life isn’t always that great, and holding one’s self back on purpose is just plain dumb and a suicide of sorts.

time and other things that escape me…

We all experience a semblance of the same experiences… we all think ( in some way) : “how the hell, can I make there be more time when time seems to slip away?!” I was just thinking about this the other day in my short period of  time date with my girlfriend and balancing it with racing off to work and oh! there’s always eating, sleeping and fucking to schedule in. Fucking shouldn’t be a scheduled event! I’m not certain eating and sleeping should be either, they should just exist. I wish life could just flow, but it all goes by so so quickly. I don’t want to end up like my Mom: a slave to the clock and passed out at the end of the day because she scheduled herself into exhaustion. Its not mindful or sane.

And it brings me to Amanda Palmer’s blog which is the very idea I got from today’s (or maybe several days ago?) blog. The work/life balance – its like juggling knifes sometimes. Its like my painting ‘delicate cutter,’ maybe that guy who bought it (the second version of it) was right – his interpretation of how it reminded him of his wife juggling her life…there are those days where I long for a nice cabin/commune in Canada where all I concern myself with is friends, family, breathing, eating, sleeping, fucking and art.

creatively speaking.

I love when I go through my creative “high” periods. Where I’m producing sketches, drawings and paintings every few days. When I have the time and energies to produce, create, you know the things I should be doing on a regular basis. The only problem is.. I burn out, or something happens. Such as, my ‘real job’ picks up and I have to let my work sit in the corner of my studio, eh, bedroom and collect dust until my next day off.

Work has let off a little for this week at least. Unfortunately, since about May 1st, I’ve been running around like a crazy lady between both jobs, dropping off work to exhibits, freelancing and podcasting. I haven’t had much time to read, practice yoga, mindfulness, meditation or sleep for that matter… creativity was on the back burner. Now I feel listless because I hadn’t been sketching, and true I did start a piece based on a sketch I did several months back because I never caught up to all the sketches I had produced. So I probably have, at least, two good paintings I could work on.. but I like when I have a dozen sketches that I’m excited about and I can’t catch up on all my creative work because it somehow makes me feel productive, though I’m pretty sure its probably not. True they are not finished sketches on most occasions, its a thumbnail sketch I threw down at 12am. I don’t know what I’m bitching about, other than the fact that I wish I had more time to dedicate to creating for me. Unfortunately, creating for me doesn’t always pay things like bills. I hate when it comes down to the almighty dollar. I know its not the piece of green paper that makes me cringe as much as how it makes some people act.. like bill collectors for example.

Who knows, maybe one day it will be all about my own creativity and not someone elses’ vision. I get frustrated on the rare occasion, but most times I can kind of do what I want… I get a paycheck, I’m usually home by dinner, I can practice yoga… yet there is always that quest for more. Maybe its my foolish reading of the article on the Advocate website of the successful people under 40. I shouldn’t read those things, it just makes one compare themselves to others, which isn’t very mindful. I have to remind myself that I am doing okay for myself. I could be far worse… I’m dropped off work at URI – I’m in two shows there! I have work at Gallery X right now. I was commissioned to do work, by two different people. I’m single, so I guess I can do whatever the hell I want, for the most part… no girl/boyfriend, wife, or husband wondering what I was doing until 3am on a Tuesday… in most cases I was reading the latest Sookie Stackhouse novel at 3am.

No dinner, flowers, jewelry, condoms, dental dams or birth control!

Last year at this time, I vowed, despite still mending a broken heart, that I would not, absolutely, no way would I be single on Valentines Day 2009. Well just because the U.S. finally got with the right century and now has a president who isn’t a white man, doesn’t mean the universe is complying with me. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, considering since last Valentines Day, I have had approximately 4 dates in real life – in my dreams I’ve had far more, with sex after and one with a pancake breakfast in the morning. Meeting people is hard. Meeting people who don’t live two hours away also seems to be a challenge. A few weeks back, I went on a date in Somerville, which took me two hours to get to because of the traffic in Boston. At least I had fun when I got there, right?

I guess there are some good qualities in being single. Top of the list: I don’t have to partake in the mass hysteria of buying a Valentine’s gift for that special someone. No expensive dinner, flowers, jewelry, condoms, dental dams or birth control! Because I’m not going to get any, nor do I have to prove my love through mass consumerism! I don’t have to rush around on February 13th to buy the ‘perfect gift.’ I can save my money for important things like art supplies, trips to Coffee Exchange, Salvation Army shopping sprees, cds, and Narragansett beer. Also, I have the entire bed to myself and my kitties. (oh man I’m the crazy cat lady!) I can do whatever I want, whenever I want and don’t have to answer to anyone – unless its a work day, then I have to answer to them, “them” being my bosses.

I used to think I’d be married with children by age 32. Though I am glad I haven’t had children yet as I don’t feel ‘together’ enough to have them, especially since I’m a starving artist – how the hell would I feed them? Kids are not like cats, the food for them is way more money! and they eat more than two times a day. However, I still crave companionship. I’ve been single and available for so many years in my life, I’m not even certain I know what its like to be in a relationship that lasts longer than a few months. I always end up with the noncommittal. I think its because for the most part I go with the flow. I think my nature gets mistaken for being passive. Just about every employer and past internships have told me I need to assert myself. Most times its because there seems to be no reason to stress myself out over something petty so I don’t. I know when to let it go and when to stand up and bitch. Unfortunately, people don’t expect me to stand up and bitch when I do – hence the short relationships.

All these years of dating and not dating I have come up with my laundry list of what attributes I think would make the ‘perfect’ person for me: witty, playful, passionate, has a goal in life, but isn’t so career driven that other people come in second, is caring, doesn’t tell me what to do on a regular basis, likes children and animals, likes other people, is single, has an attention span that lasts longer than 5 minutes, is over 5′ tall, isn’t afraid to be affectionate but not molesting me in public, we go to a club and dance with each other, someone to wake to, make a pancake breakfast for, someone who is my lover and best friend. Okay its a long list and I could probably go on. I think now, much like the character in the movie “Singles” I’ve narrowed it down to: can we just have the pancake breakfast? because I really like pancakes especially after sex. I’m willing, and have been, to compromise on just about everything (there’s that lack of assertion again). I hear that is what human interaction is about.

I’ve crossed the Valentine’s Day off on my calender with black ink, just so I don’t have to look at it. I’m thinking on V-day I’m going to dress in black and listen to Morrissey that is if I even bother to get out of bed. I may be willing to get out of bed for a few people… though I’m not holding my breath.

full

Television shows that slap you across the face. I thought about what is important. love. love. love. Love of family, friends, significant others (if it ever comes). Love is a conqueror. Despite it all: ridiculous words, stupid actions, misunderstandings, distance… it overcomes. Those that love you, forgive. Those things that matter are not paper jams,traffic jams, stupid shit, money, big corporations with no heat in the building.

What feels good and pure and simple: curling up with my cat, Felix, for an afternoon nap, emails to people that give a shit, sewing/art, driving to the beat on the cd, letting it all sink in.

Jobs I can’t find. what does it matter? I just want to make art, live. Right now maybe sleep with my full belly. absorb life, think I did. I feel like I don’t really want anything except to be independent of a ‘daily grind.’

defining success/happiness.

Been reminded a few times this week: success doesn’t equal happiness. And no matter who you are, your still human with emotions, money, success doesn’t change those things inside that make you tick. It never will. Some people change with it, some don’t.

One of which was in reading Lee Ranaldo’s “jrnls80s” in the entry entitled “22 november deutschland” he talks about thinking, never being able to ‘shut it off.’ the good/bad of it. been there. talks about feeling like he’s never accomplished anything, which is ironic as it was written while on tour with Sonic Youth. In his writings he talks about things like loneliness, love, loss, lust, life – despite his accomplishments as an artist/musician. His writings remind me of me, not the same style, the same concepts. Its like knowing I’m not the first person to think/live it. It doesn’t make things better, maybe just knowing we’re all alive, we all live it.. universally, human.

a few of my favorite things of 2008 …

Every year, I swing between apathy and excitement over the coming of the new year. On the one hand, I think of all those things I wished I would’ve, could’ve, should’ve done this year. This year, I wished I would’ve, could’ve, should’ve: been to more concerts, taken more walks outside, been outside in general, had more dates, had sex, had more success career-wise, and had less sleepless nights over said career & money issues. On the upside, I had time to spend with friends even if it were only a few hours because I was coming from or going to work. I curated “Sex at the X” which was incredibly successful for Gallery X… and I suppose for myself as a curator. Also, I blogged for the charity organization, RAINN (the Rape Abuse Incest National Network). It was exciting to think more than just my friends were reading my blog – it was also a bit intimidating. I was up for the challenge for a good cause! In September, I finally landed a second retail job. I can officially pay bills and put gas in my car without worrying about blowing my bank account. Sure I still have to be a bit frugal, but I can afford the luxury of going out for coffee. I’ve always maintained that its pretty bad if you can’t afford to go out for coffee; there was a point this past year, when going out for coffee was spending too much money.

Despite my financial hardship of this past year, I did discover some wonderful wonderful places online to entertain me with fresh new tunes… My new favorite music sites are: Daytrotter , Stereogum, and CashMusic. Okay CashMusic does ask for a donation, you can donate a dollar or two, for Christ’s sakes – music doesn’t get more frugal than that! Daytrotter and Stereogum are freebies… and wonderful ones at that. Also, thanks to the worldwide web I’ve gotten to hear some great songs, some of my favorites of this year have been:
“Waterline” Pepi Ginsberg
“Two Tongues” Mariee Sioux
“Somebody’s Someone” Retribution Gospel Choir
“Teenager Lust” Times New Viking
“That’s Not My Name” The Ting Tings
“Dreaming of the Plum Trees” White Hinterland
“Gloves Off” Kaki King
“Acid Tongue” Jenny Lewis
“Headcheck” Donita Sparks and the Stellar Moments (the ex-singer of L7 to those not in the know!) “Night Reconnaissance” The Dresden Dolls
and so so much more… you may just want to check out my LastFM account, I have over 200 songs on it. Also, many new cd’s came out this year, which I must admit I either didn’t buy or got a copy from a friend (don’t pretend like it doesn’t happen!). My soundtrack for driving, dreaming, painting included:
“Speedbath” Kristin Hersh
“Mountain Battles” the Breeders
“Offend Maggie” Deerhoof
“Bring ya to the Brink”Cindi Lauper
Santagold’s debut
“The Siren’s Wave”Nalle – who my friends and I also met at their St. Patty’s day show.
I had attempted to get that freebie copy of Radiohead’s “In Rainbows” off of their website only to get error message after error message – and I kept forgetting that I kind of wanted to hear it after it came out to purchase. Considering I just remembered it, clearly it wasn’t that important to me.

It was also a few firsts for me this year, what 32 year old can say that? First time I went skinny dipping – and it was a rather cold evening at that! This year was the first time I went swimming in the ocean despite living in Rhode Island my entire life; also it was the first time I got knocked down and dragged by the strong undertow. This year was the first time since college, that I exhibited my drawings. I’ve gotten some positive feedback so I suppose they don’t suck – yah for me! In addition, this year I witnessed history when Barack Obama was elected the first African American president, of all the things I’ve talked about this is probably the only thing my grandchildren will ask me about. Its pretty amazing I must admit.

I’d like to make all kinds of proclamations as to what I plan on doing this coming year, how this going to be so much better than ’08, but I don’t like to make resolutions – everyone breaks them anyhow. This year, like every year, I plan to live, to breathe, to love and be loved, to hope and dream.